In the coming weeks, fall sports will wrap up as we transition to winter. Volleyball players will take down their nets. Swimmers will hang up their caps and goggles.The girls’ soccer team will put their balls away. Boys’ water polo will also put their balls away, if you catch my drift. However, just because it’s coming to an end doesn’t mean there’s still not a lot to celebrate. The 2015 season was rife with historical victories for all teams. So à la Buzzfeed, I’ll be sharing my top five athletic achievements from this past season.

  1. Dance Team Gets Their Own Practice Place
    Roosevelt’s dance team, in spite of their monumental victory at state the past year, has still been forced to practice wherever they can find space. Whether this be the hallways or the yoga room, one of our school’s top teams has essentially been homeless. Fortunately, Roosevelt’s administration has decided to offer them a long overdue gift: their own practice space. The team was proudly given a space they can truly call their own in the form of the men’s bathroom on the second floor. While the team was hesitant at first, they quickly embraced their new workout center. “It’s been an interesting transition, but I’m really glad the school was able to help us out with this,” explained senior Olivia Mora as she nervously eyed an unidentifiable stain on the floor to her left. “Just having this space completely to ourselves is really cool.” She noted that while the room’s tight dimensions made it a bit cramped, they were still more than happy to be working there. Mora describes, “There’s just something about the broken stall doors and overflowing urinals that really screams ‘champions’.”

    Junior Lily Evans practices in this poorly edited bathroom, the dance team's fresh new home. Photo by Aidan Walter.
    Junior Lily Evans practices in this poorly edited bathroom, the dance team’s fresh new home. Photo by Aidan Walter.


  2. Ultimate Dominates State…On Twitter
    The frisbee team became famous for their strength this year, following their victory at the Western U. S. Championships. The team’s momentum wavered and unfortunately, they were not able to take the state title. However, this isn’t to say they weren’t champions. While they were felled on the field, they were unstoppable on social media.

    A relentless slew of mediocre memes and strange inside jokes affirmed Roosevelt’s superiority on social media. When asked how they were able to create such impressive content, many members described themselves and teammates as “lit af” and repeatedly made airhorn noises vocally or with apps on their phones. All in all, this team earned my “favorite”. Or “like”. Whatever.

  3. Golf Takes Team Titles, Returns Backup Trophies
    Last year, boys’ golf took the Metro title with unprecedented dominance. This year, they took it even further, snagging the District title as well. After taking home the hardware, they were able to return the trophies they’d purchased just in case they hadn’t. “We always like to buy a few extra trophies and awards to have on hand, just in case we don’t make it as far as we’d like,” explains assistant golf coach and teacher Daniel Gross. During this year’s trophy shopping, they picked up Best Golf Budget, Best-Looking Golfers, Best Golf Memorabilia Collection,  and Best Golf Playlists. This year they were also able to definitively earn the ever-elusive Best Golf Trophies. “I definitely think that next year, as the team continues to advance, we’ll look into buying more plaques as opposed to trophies. We’ve really only experimented [with plaques], but it might offer the crucial improvement we need,” Gross elaborated. When asked how soon he planned on returning the now-unnecessary awards, Gross hesitantly claimed he planned to do it “eventually” as he gently caressed his pile of prizes. “I really like trophies,” he whispered. Hopefully, golf will continue to take home the trophies at state this spring, earned with clubs or credit cards.

  4. Boys’ Cross-Country Actually Manages to Talk to Girl
    In a ground-breaking year for boys’ cross-country, a team member reported having actually been able to talk to members of the opposite sex. The team was renowned for their crippling ability to converse with any females besides their own mothers, but this year may signal a turning point. Junior Nate Sanford claims to have been able to coherently communicate with a member of the girls’ cross-country team. “I asked her where the bathrooms were,” he proudly recanted. “She seemed pretty into me after that and I was thinking about emailing her some internet memes I like, but it might’ve been too early for that.” While Sanford claims to have spoken at least two sentences, other sources indicate he simply made a series of nasally squeaks interspersed with disturbing hyperventilation. Many also reported that instead of answering his question, the girl pretended she couldn’t hear him and ran away. All the same, this is a powerful step forward for the boys’ squad.

  5. Football Regularly Cleans Uniforms
    Yeah, I wish.

    I get that you practice in uniform in everything, but the locker room literally smells like a bio class's trash bin. Photo by Aidan Walter
    I get that you practice in uniform and everything, but the locker room literally smells like a bio class’s trash bin once you start keeping all of your crap in there. Photo by Aidan Walter


Featured Photo: Can anyone from boys’ cross-country actually talk to a girl? Apparently. Photo by Nathan Smith.


  1. Thomas Hinds

    Very humorous article, but the writer should know that his phrase “ala buzzfeed” in the first paragraph inaccurately represents the French phrase, which is most commonly seen as “à la mode.” This detracts from an otherwise very accurate piece.

  2. Please let us know how Boys Water Polo didn’t make the top five!! They were undefeated in league play this year against some very tough teams. Additionally, despite 3 players being sidelined with injuries, they’ve made it to State where they expect to leave their mark in the coming week.

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