It’s a terrifying time: as our fair nation decides who will be appointed to the presidential office, simple citizens must weather a barrage of bigotry and slander as they handle the beast that is Donald Trump. Whether he’s a tactical genius or a blithering moron, it matters not. His pasty, white momentum is too blunt to be overlooked. As you handle the emotional turmoil sure to ensue, refer to this handy guide as you wade your way through the process.
You can’t believe the numbers before you. Literally. You have no idea how the electoral system works and randomly throw out words like “superdelegate” to impress your friends. The headlines are as blatant as an out-dated racial slur, though. Trump has won. You feel faint, probably because you’ve had nothing but Fiji water and half of a paleo bran muffin all day, even after a strenuous hot yoga session. Nonetheless, the news is terrifying.
There’s no way this could be happening. You make a series of furious Wikipedia searches about voting laws that you hope will amount into a scandal worthy of its own HBO miniseries. You make sure that the Democratic nominee hasn’t quietly died when no one was looking.
You take no less than six online eyesight tests to make sure you’re reading right, all of which diagnosis you with “hot singles in your area”.
This is outrageous. You write a series of tweets exclaiming your plans to move to Canada. Your feed is bloated with articles attesting to Trump’s blatant bigotry that you reposted after skimming the headline. You mindlessly berate Bernie on twitter: how could he have abandoned us like this? If you are still calling him “Daddy”, this phase may take a little longer.
pls don't vote for trump I don't have enough money to leave the country:/
— sham (@ShamberGold) January 3, 2016
In a foolish attempt to halt the Trump train, you throw all you can in its path. Maybe if you stop drinking, being mean to others, or following World Star parody accounts, the universe will revoke his victory. You offer all of your cats, respectfully named after each Wu-Tang Clan Member, up for ritual sacrifice. You even dare to accept any of the other Republican candidates, like Jeb! or Rubio. Heck, you’d even take the Zodiac Killer.
Oh. My. God. pic.twitter.com/CnyhBDtQrq
— ♡ Good Account ♡ (@SortaBad) February 20, 2016
You tearfully peel your #feelthebern bumper sticker off the back off your mom’s Prius.
You figure you’ll be stuck with Trump for at least the next four years so you might as well learn to enjoy it. You casually joke that America’s acceptance of Trump makes Kanye a lock for 2020. You retweet that Canada joke way too many times. You even pick up a few antiquated racial slurs that are sure to come in handy later on.
Oh shit! You just remembered you’re gay, black, female, Muslim, or (insert minority status here). Hope you have a friend with a roomy cellar to hide in.
Featured Picture: A moldy orange screams at the world. Picture by Kelly Shor