By Anika Utke
Shorts Game on Fleek
The world has faced many cruel and cunning dictators in the past, such as Hitler, Stalin, Vladimir Lenin, that one guy from Blue’s Clues, Mao Zedong, Bill Nye the science guy, and, of course Mickey Mouse. Even with these cruel oppressors, none have been able to match the villainy of Roosevelt’s very own dictator: Principal Brian Vance.
The ninja spies from the Roosevelt news have reported that over break, Vance began his transformation into a world class dictator by participating in unhealthy marathons of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” and nostalgic Nsync karaoke with his cats. Our sources collecting intel from his microwave report Vance as saying, “I would never have chosen this lifestyle if it weren’t for Justin. Despite the restraining order debacle of 2008, Justin has just helped me through so much in my life. It might not be common knowledge, but every Tuesday evening I ease my stress by caressing a photo of Justin’s beautiful ramen noodle curls. One Tuesday I just came to this epiphany that his power and fame wasn’t a result from his successful run from The Mickey Mouse Club and the greatest boy band in existence. It was his hair. As a fellow curly hair survivor, I realized I could have all the power I wanted if I unleashed the hair.”
His original attempt to improve his hair game was at the beginning of the school year after he grew a goatee. Instead of giving him powers of enslavement amongst humankind, Roosevelt students were mean to him and pushed him into nearby garbage cans. According to an eyewitness, Mike Rotch, Vance began to cry for his beloved Timberlake in the garbage can until his tears evolved into lasers and fireworks shooting out of his skull. It has officially been two weeks since the beginning of Vance’s takeover and in that time he has already mailed a student to Peru for missing a homework assignment, authorized a required séance for Timberlake every Wednesday, patrolled the sidewalk across the school with rodents of unusual size, and even changed the way teachers are allowed to educate the students.
“It was terrifying,” Bawled one emotional sophomore, Hugh Jaynis, “Mr. Vance just stormed into the class and made Ms. Nand take fifty points from our house! Then he pushed a girl down the stairs and broke both of her legs. He even signed her cast with a really bad doodle of some ramen noodle kid.”
Before the interview could finish, Vance jumped out of a garbage can and ordered a toga clad Mr. Marenstein and Mrs. Mackoff—his curly haired henchmen—to throw the student out of the nearest window. He proceeded to laugh while throwing curly locks of hair confetti that he stole from the seniors. Roosevelt freshman Peggy Piper Pippenstock wore a “Backstreet Boys” t-shirt to school last Wednesday. No one has seen her since.
“I wouldn’t consider myself a dictator at this school. Sure, the students are no longer allowed to leave and I’ve sentenced a few to death for drinking tea, but I’m not a dictator. I just have a lot of ideas to make this school the best it can be.” Vance explained in an interview, pausing now and then to adjust his cape and bedazzled crown.
Vance declared that soon, every student would be required to have curly blond hair and all music aside from Nsync would be banned.